The Origins of Pumpkin Carving According to My Twisted, Twisted Child

Last night during pumpkin carving, this horrible, horrible conversation with my sons took place.

Killian: How did pumpkin carving even become a thing?

Me: Well-

Corwin: *talking over me* Long, long ago, it was the time of The Great Pumpkin Wars - where pumpkins of old battled our neanderthal ancestors. The neanderthals won, of course, having opposable thumbs and clubs and all. And winning gave them the right to murder and decorate future pumpkin children for generations to come.

Killian and I look at each other in horror. Okay, I admit, I was totally giggling.

Killian: *finding his voice first* What the fuck!? What the actual fuck is wrong with you, man? Seriously? How do you-? I don't even...

Me: Does this mean you're not going to finish carving your pumpkin?

Corwin *looks quietly gleeful*

Killian: I'll finish it, but I'm not sure I want to share a room with that kid any more. 

Yep. These are the ones I have. 

Made 'em myself. 

Oh, and these are the pumpkins we made!

 

Texts from Cait - Part Fourteen (The one where Cait points out my failings as a person and a parent.)

Please send wine...and maybe Valium.

For those keeping score at home, Matt's still in Singapore and I won't be seeing him until the 14th or 15th of October, so I'm doing the Dance of the Single Parent. Which, to be fair, isn't too bad. The boys are great, and it's not like they're toddlers or something.While I miss their toddlerhood, I'd rather do the dance with teenagers.

I don't sleep well when he's not here, and that's what I blame the following on. Lack of sleep. We just finished up the second full week of school and I foolishly agreed to let Corwin have an overnight with some of his friends from his old school. Four of them to be exact. So there are six teenage boys in my house right now.

I'll go ahead and let that sink in for a minute.

Six. Teenage. Boys.

One of them does the best Gollum impression I've ever heard. Seriously, this kid is amazing. However, he won't. stop. talking.

At all.

It's all Gollum all the time. He's now proposing marriage via google video chat to girls from his school. Unsurprisingly, there are no takers.

I just talked to Matt via skype. He's twelve hours ahead us, and he's never been so happy to be working away from home.

EDIT: One of the other kids is now doing Dr. Evil.

It's gonna be a long night. 

Where's science when I need it?

Summer's ending. It feels like autumn is rolling toward me like that big rock in the first Indiana Jones movie.

My oldest son, Killian, is starting college today. (I'm totally crying on the inside. Okay, probably a little on the outside, too.) It's not that I want him to be a kid forever, it's just that I want to have a rewind button, where I can go back and visit his being a kid whenever I'm having a day like today.

Seriously, science...is that too damn much to ask?!

My youngest son, Corwin, will be starting high school next week. (Please see the aforementioned crying and need of a rewind button.) I would give just about anything to play pirate ship right now.

But honestly, I know I have nothing to actually bitch about. I have great kids who are healthy and happy, and I know it's more than some parents have, so really, I shouldn't whine.

We're trying to get ready for hubby to go to Singapore for a freaking month. I'm not a fan of the Dance of the Single Parent. It's not because I can't do it alone. I can, just fine, as a matter of fact. But we really miss him while he's gone. And I know he misses us, too.

I'm still trying to get used to my sister being gone. As it stands now, we probably won't see each other until after Christmas, because that's just the way life's working out. It's not like we can't talk or text, or email, but it's not the same as hanging out together.

I'm also trying to come to terms with dying relatives - relatives for whom an entire set of matching, monogrammed emotional baggage is included.  

Add in the stress of conference prep, and I'm just about fried.

So I'll just be here, trying to outrun that big ass boulder and waiting for science to catch up with my need for a rewind button.

C'mon, science! I'm counting on you!

Of Boys, Battles and Black Holes

Last Friday, I took Killian, Justin and Not-Kevin out for our annual end of the year breakfast at iHop. I asked the hostess to seat us away from everyone else, explaining that it was just better that way. But she apparently didn't get the clue, and put us smack in the middle of the restaurant.

While we were waiting for the food, they came up with an idea for a screenplay involving super polite Canadian zombies who actually ask before biting. And there was a Mountie in there too who was too polite to say no when the zombies asked, so...

My favorite part was when Not-Kevin did dialogue illustrating the differences between Yooper, Canadian and Minnesotan accents. It was brilliant.

That same day, Corwin had a civil war reenactment at school involving marshmallows and a water balloon cannon that he'd made with his friends Gray and Andrew using a length of PVC pipe and a little tykes shopping cart. I wish I'd thought to get a picture of it, because it was pretty brilliant.

Corwin was, of course, bitter because "no one was following the rules of war." I told him I didn't think there were rules to war. I got the look and a scathing, "they could at least try to have some honor is all I'm saying."

Saturday was the first of the graduation parties. I was totally channeling my mother, because in addition to the check for Justin, I was also knitting him a pair of slippers. I'd finished one before I'd gotten there, but I still had about four rows plus decreasing for the toe, so I decided to just finish them while I was there. Because I am my mother's daughter, I'd brought my yarn needle and scissors so I could finish those bad boys up. Justin was thrilled because his feet are always cold.

While we were sitting outside visiting (and knitting) it started to rain, so I hauled my purse and knitting bag inside. It cleared up, so we went back out. Rinse, repeat. Finally, it was time to go and one of the other guests couldn't find her car keys anywhere. We did the obligatory glancing around, but they were nowhere to be found. I had to get Not-Kevin home, so we took off. We got about twenty miles away when the phone rang. It was Justin's mom asking me to look in my purse for the keys. I said that we'd look, but I was sure they weren't there.

Yeah. About that.

Her keys were totally in my purse.

Had to drive alllllll the way back and shamefacedly drop them off. I still have no clue how they got in there. Killian has a theory, though. His theory is that my purse is a black hole and while we were outside, my purse was actually sucking the moisture from the air causing it to rain which is why it stopped every time we went into the house. And at some point, it sucked the keys into gaping maw, too.

So. Embarrassed.

Yesterday was quiet. We were supposed to go out to eat and celebrate our anniversary (23 years! O.O) and my birthday, but the boys and Matt both caught my damn cold...so celebrating will have to wait. But I did have a fantastic post birthday lunch today with Brynn Paulin, Mia Watts and Jennifer Armintrout!

Changes on the Horizon

The end of the school year is winding down and I've been completely crazypants trying to keep up with everything.

Killian graduates from high school next month, and Corwin graduates from 8th grade. I'm trying to plan Killian's grad party and if I learned anything from throwing my mom a surprise birthday party in March is that I hate planning parties.

I don't mind going to parties. I don't mind bringing a dish to pass, but I hate planning parties. There's "food math" involved and logistics. And anyone who's read this blog more than once knows that neither math, nor logistics, are my friends.

Or schedules, really.

So basically, I'm pretty much screwed, here.

But I did finally get around to ordering Killian's senior pictures. The ones we had taken way back in October. o.O And they look great. And we did plan a menu for the party. So...that's something.

I think mostly this is all about me hating change and not being ready to have one kid in college and the other in high school. I'm not ready for them to grow-up. I realize that's the point of the whole thing, but dealing with it gracefully doesn't seem to be in my skill set.

I think it's one of the reason's Maurice Sendak's death hit me so hard last week. One more constant from my kids' childhood is gone. But, even though it makes me rashy and nervous, change is inevitable, and I'm proud of the men they're becoming.

Now, it's time to make sure Corwin has everything for his field trip to Washington DC. His idea of essentials and my idea of essentials compromise two very different lists. Any guesses as to which one of us has deodorant at the top of the list?

Why Siri is a better mom than me...

So...Killian has been saving his money, and when his phone contract came up for renewal, he decided to get the new iPhone 4S. If you're unfamiliar with this little gem, the 4S has a virtual assistant. You can speak to it and it'll do speech to text, it'll call people and it'll answer questions. For instance, this morning he asked Siri how many were left 'til Christmas. My blood ran cold when she announced "62 days" in her smug sounding computerized voice.

However, Siri's been a ton of fun and really useful. I particularly love that whoever programed her has a great sense of humor. The other day, Cait asked Killian to have Siri look up something and she came back with some wonky suggestions.

The following conversation ensued.


Then he rephrased the question and got something even wonkier.


Cait: HA! She totally called him on his language. Siri's a better mom than you!

*facepalm*

So Caitlin, being the best little sister in the world, drove the boys to and from school yesterday so Matt and I could spend the day together. (Yes - he's finally home from Russia!)

The following conversation was had when she brought them home.

Cait: Well, have fun with your delinquent .

Me: Fwuh?

Cait: Corwin, tell your parents what you did at school today.

Me: Oh...god...what?

Corwin: I figured out a good way to make some extra cash.

Matt: Oh...god...how?

Corwin: Well, remember that chocolate muffin the principal gave me last week?

Me: Yeah-huh.

Corwin: And remember how I don't like chocolate Halloween candy?

Killian: Because you're a freak.

Corwin: Well, I sold it at school.

Me: You sold a week old chocolate muffin...and Halloween candy.

Corwin: And I made two dollars and twenty-five cents.

Me: *facepalm*

Killian: HA! I totally called it! I told you she'd facepalm and she just did!

Yep...those are the ones I have...

Riding in Cars with Boys - Part Three

Somehow, I've managed to pick up yet another straggler on the afternoon school run. His name is Andrew...but he goes by Kevin. Why? Because Killian and Justin decided that he looked just like their friend Kevin from elementary school (who went to a different high school) and they started calling him Replacement Kevin, which over the course of the last year and a half has been shortened to Kevin. They've also convinced people that Kevin's known for years, that his name really is Kevin and he just went by Andrew during elementary and junior high school. Kevin's hilarious, wickedly smart, irreverent and fits in perfectly with the rest of them. So now I have four, gangly teenage boys crammed into my little Saturn.

This is the conversation that took place last week.

Justin: Oh man, how come Mitchell has to sit in the middle?
Killian: Because I got to the front seat first.
Kevin: This isn't gonna end well. Just sayin'.
Justin: Mitchell get your leg off me. Boundaries! Personal space!!
Kevin: Not cool, dude! So not cool!

I glance into the backseat to see Mitchell sitting with his legs spread and draped over both Justin and Kevin's laps with a big, dopey grin on his face.

Me: Comfy, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Yepper.

The boys all wave at the parking lot attendants who are completely void of anything resembling a sense of humor and off we go to bring Kevin home.

Justin: For fuck's sake, Mitchell! What the hell are you doing?
Me: Problem?
Justin: Mrs. Killian's Mommy, tell Mitchell to quit touching my nipple!
Me: Fwuh?
Kevin: Mrs. Killian's Mommy, I'm uncomfortable with this.
Me: Mitchell...
Justin: I feel violated, Mrs. Killian's Mommy.
Kevin: I feel violated by association, Mrs. Killian's Mommy.
Killian: I feel glad I'm in the front seat.
Me: Mitchell, I can't believe I have to say this, but quit touching Justin's nipple.
Justin: Mitchell, I'm going to break your damn fingers.
Mitchell: These things wouldn't happen if I got to sit in the front.

After we dropped Kevin off, Mitchell retreated to the other side of the back seat. After a while, he leaned forward and started groping Killian.

Killian: Knock it off, Mitchell!
Me: Mitchell, are you touching my son inappropriately?
Mitchell: Yepper. Pretty much.
Killian: Well, quit it!
Mitchell: Next time, let me sit in the front.

I'm guessing Mitchell gets his way today.