Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Worst. Mama. Ever.

Let me tell you the tale of how I'm the worst mom ever.

It involves Doctor Who.

I know what you must be thinking. How can anything involving Doctor Who be a bad thing?

Sit back. I will share.

For those of you who don't watch Doctor. Who, let give you a teensy bit of background.  There are some monsters on that show that are super creepy. For instance, I find the children in the episode, the Empty Child to be immensely  creepy. The doctor goes back to WWII England during the London Blitz and there's a little boy wearing a gas mask wandering around terrorizing the citizens of London and if I remember correctly, anyone who touches the boy will turn into an empty child, too. So this kid just skulks around, saying "Are you my mummy?" in this proper little British accent which ends up making him sound even creepier.

This is him. Now imagine him coming up to you and repeatedly asking, "Are you my mummy?" This damn episode gave me nightmares.

And when Corwin's Halloween costume this year required a gas mask, Killian would put it on - along with his best British accent, creep up behind me and ask, "Are you my mummy?" I was understandably unnerved. Read: freaked the hell out.

Imagine my delight when I found a way to get him back.

Okay, so Killian, our resident Whovian, is utterly creeped out by The Weeping Angels. The thing about the angels is they don't move to attack you unless you're not looking. So the doctor's advice is: "Don't blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast. Faster than you can believe. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink. Good Luck." 


Fast forward to a few days ago. I opened a new box of Red Rose tea. It's my favorite - and *not* because it comes with little porcelain figurines. Those are frankly a pain in my ass because I feel guilty about throwing them away. (Yes...I know.  I have issues. So. Many. Issues.) But anyway, I was delighted when I opened this box of tea, because nestled in with the tea bags was a hideous little angel figurine.

Meet my new friend.

He's supposed to be a cupid. But he's terrifying! Delightfully terrifying.

And the mama got an idea. The mama got an awful idea. The mama got a wonderfully awful idea.

I handed him to Corwin who stood outside the bathroom door waiting for Killian to get out. As soon as the door opened, Corwin shoved the angel in Killian's face and said, "Don't blink!"

Killian was suitably unimpressed.

Later that day, while he was at school, I texted him this picture.

With the message: "Don't Blink!"

He was...not happy.

Later that day, I hid the angel on top of his computer with a bunch of other stuff so it was staring at him. Watching him while he worked. I waited desperately for him to notice it. It took four, long and agonizing days, but it was soooooooooooo worth it.

Last night he stalked into the living room.

Killian: What the fuck? What the actual fuck?

Me: Problem?

Killian: Yes there's a problem! THIS (thrusting the creepy little angel in my face) was on top of my CPU. Watching me.

Me: Don't blink. (Well, that's what I tried to say. What came out was the sound of a cackling hyena on speed. I laughed so hard, I couldn't catch my breath. Or stop crying.)

He (foolishly) put the angel on my computer.

This is not the end.

Also, Jen gave me the best link ever, which I will soon be making use of.

There will be another blog post. Because I am a terrible, terrible mama.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I'm beginning to get a little concerned about my subcounscious...

Confession time: I keep having dreams about Lindsey Lohan.

Yes...that Lindsey Lohan.

I have no idea why. I don't particularly care for her. I think I've only ever seen one movie she's been in (Parent Trap) and that was because one of my daycare kids was watching it. But I keep having dreams about her.

It's starting to freak me out a little.

Last week, I dreamt that she was the keynote speaker for our conference and she was a nightmare - drunk and argumentative, she could barely stand at the podium to give her keynote address. She was so abusive to all the attendees that Jennifer Armintrout threw down with her bar room brawl style and kicked her ass.

Today, I dreamt that Lindsey spilled nail polish all over my couch. Then she dumped melted wax over one of my favorite skirts tie-dye skirts. I tried to get Jen to beat up Lindsey for me, but she wouldn't leave the vampire tent revival meeting on the cruise ship we were suddenly on even though they wouldn't let her in to the meeting.

Instead, she stood outside the entrance and sang church songs really loud. The vampires were understandably pissed. Then Suzanne Graham showed up and was flirting with the captain while Margaret Yang was trying to give a writing workshop and she and my friend Kellie J. were yelling at Suzanne to stop breathing so loudly.

I woke up totally confused and starting to feel a little phobic about Lindsey Lohan. I mean, it's not to the spiders, clowns and ventriloquist dummies stage yet, but a few more dreams like this and I'm sure it could get there! o.O

I have no idea what these dreams mean. They're insane. Or...maybe they mean that I am.

Apocalyptic prophesies?

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Hello Birmingham, it's Buffalo...

On the way to school this morning, Corwin put in the Grammy's Wildly Inappropriate Lullaby CD and put Blowin' in the Wind on repeat "because," he said, "it seems like a good election day song."

Killian agreed, and I had a very proud mama moment.

So we sang along to it on repeat until we dropped Corwin off and then I played the song I listen to every election day - Ani Difranco's Hello Birmingham and Killian and I listened to that on the way to the polls.

After standing in line for an hour and a half, we voted - Killian, in his first election. Then we celebrated with Starbucks.

All in all, a great morning!

Happy Voting Day, Everyone!