Riding in Cars with Boys - Part Fifteen

I know, I know. It's been way too long without an episode of Riding in Cars with Boys. Lately, it's been 90% video game talk and well...I'll admit most of it is unintelligible to me seeing as how I speak very little Area of Effect, Hit Points and Critical Damage.

Right before I left for school to pick up the boys, I got these texts from Killian.


Half an hour later, I pulled into the school parking lot and the boys piled into to the car along with a new blond kid I'd never seen before.

Justin: Good. I see you've brought the Bag of Holding. We'll be needing that for body hiding.

Me: (Peering at the poufy haired blond in my backseat) So...introductions?

Justin: This is Zach. He lives kinda by me and I told him you wouldn't mind bringing him home. Is that cool?

Me: Yeah, that's fine.

Justin: This is Mrs. Killian's Mommy, the coolest mother you will ever meet. Ever.

Me: I'd like that on a shirt, please.

Not Kevin: That can be arranged.

Zach: Nice to meet you. (Turns to Justin) Dude...did you just throw your own mom under a bus.

Justin: Yes. Because my mom is batshit crazy. And so is she, but in a totally good way. You'll see.

Me: And that's why I'm adopting you. Okay, so back to the whole body hiding thing. I assume this involves a girl?

Killian: But of course.

Justin: Her name is Meg.

Me: Is she from The Island?

Justin: I'm pretty sure she is. I talk to her every day in math. She likes the same books I like and she thinks Katniss (the heroine of The Hunger Games) is a whiny, selfish bitch, too.

Me: Okay, so ask her out.

Killian: She has a boyfriend. That's why we need your purse.

(In case you're wondering - this is the purse in question. Sure, I could probably fit a small child in there, but a teenage boy is pushing it.) Justin: Your kid is right. It's the only way.

Me: Murder is the only way to get a girlfriend?

Justin: Look, I don't know who your kid killed to get a girlfriend as great as the one he has, but it must have been someone.

Me: Maybe he's just awesome and she sees that about him.

Justin: Or he drugged her. Did you drug her?

Killian: No, I didn't drug her.

Justin: Whatever. I don't believe you. I just know that this guy has to go, then I can move in with the comfort and sympathy.

Not-Kevin: And bingo-bango! Girlfriend!

Me: I'm pretty sure that's not how it works, guys.

Killian: Well if you're not gonna help us, maybe Siri will.

Then this happened.


Zach: Pick swamps. Swamps are good.

Me: Of course, Siri offers help for hiding a body. Not helping, Siri! And you guys wonder why I fear Skynet.

Sadly, (for Justin, anyway) Meg's boyfriend hasn't found his way into my purse or any of the other places Siri suggested.

Riding in Cars with Boys - Part Seven

Well, the school year has begun, and I'm slowly adjusting to dragging my poor body out of bed at the asscrack of dawn.

I had horrible news on the first day of school - Mitchell would no longer be riding home with us - except on half days. We were all completely bummed out. Riding without Mitchell? Who would ask the obvious questions? Who would touch Justin inappropriately to get his way? Who would try to lasso mailboxes as we drove by?

Killian, Justin and Not-Kevin were as bummed out as I was. Not-Kevin missed Mitchell so much, he named his backpack Mitchell and occasionally sticks his hand inside it and makes it speak - puppet-style. Interestingly enough, the faux Mitchell actually says very Mitchell-like things.

Though it's been an adjustment not to have Mitchell with us every day, the after school rides are still entertaining beyond belief. This was the conversation that took place Friday as soon as Killian, Justin and Not-Kevin piled into the car.

Justin: Mrs. Killian's Mommy, we need a Horn o' Gondor.

Me: I hate to break it to you, but the ring has been destroyed, there's no need to call together the Fellowship.

Not-Kevin: And that's why you're the cool mom. You know of nerd-like things. But we still need the horn.

Me: So why do you need the Horn of Gondor?

Justin: Not the Horn of Gondor - the Horn 'o Gondor. There's a difference and we totally need to call together the Fellowship.

Killian: There's a quest!

Not-Kevin: We need a boat!

Me: Does this have something to do with Girl Island?

Justin: How did you know? See, Johnny-boy-D is having some trouble with the ladies.

Me: The boat was a dead giveaway. What kind of trouble?

Justin: The kind where the girl he likes is love with this dude who doesn't know she's alive and she cries on Johnny-boy-D's shoulder all the time, and meanwhile, he's going "I'm here! Pick me! I know you're alive!" but...

Me: But...he's firmly in the Friend Zone?

Justin: Exactly! And even though there are epic tales of guys who have escaped the Friend Zone, we all secretly know it's impossible. They're just myths passed down to give nerds hope. So we need the Horn o' Gondor to call together the Fellowship and venture forth to seek Girl Island, the land of hot girls who love nerds.

Me: I thought we'd established that Girl Island was college.

Not-Kevin: Dude, you can't expect us to wait that long! Besides, the island is out there. It has to be.

Me: I think we've exceeded the maximum level of melodrama this car can contain.

Justin: I bet you know where the Horn o' Gondor is and just won't tell us.

Killian: It's probably in her purse.

After convincing them that the Horn o' Gondor wasn't in my purse, I suggested that they find a hot girl who loves nerds and just ask her the way to Girl Island. I suggested Justin's older brother's girlfriend.

Justin: No can do, Mrs. Killian's Mommy. It's like once they get here, they have no memory of Girl Island.

Killian: It's a brainwashing technique to keep Girl Island from being overrun by desperate nerds in need of love.

Me: So hot girls are sent forth from Girl Island with nothing more than a vague desire to meet nerdy boys who play W.o.W. and Starcraft?

Not-Kevin: And Halo!!!

Justin: Well, when you say it like that...

Me: Okay, no more disparaging of your mythos. Who's all in the Fellowship?

Justin: Well, me, obviously, Johnny-boy-D, Other John,

Not-Kevin: Me! Me! But not your kid.

Me: Killian can't be part of the Fellowship?

Justin: A.) He already has a girlfriend who's been brainwashed and can't tell us the way back to Girl Island and B.) I think said girlfriend would be very upset if Killian joined the Fellowship.

Killian: Uh...yeah. That would so not be cool.

Not-Kevin: Plus, that would just be greedy. Are you sure the Horn o' Gondor isn't in your purse?

I'm seriously tempted to make them a horn and bring it to school one of these days.

Riding in Cars with Boys - Part Six

Well the school year is over - thankfully! I thought I'd only have one more Riding in Cars With Boys posts, but I actually have two! YAY!

A few weeks before Prom, we passed a burgundy minivan covered with white paint. It said, Will you go to Prom with me? Answer on my car."

Justin: Well that's just stupid.

Me: I dunno. It's kinda sweet.

Justin: No it's not, and here's why. What if she doesn't know who asked her?

Killian: Or doesn't know which car is his?

Not-Kevin: Or doesn't have paint to write her answer?

Justin: Meh. She could always scratch in her answer with her key.

Killian: That would suck if she got the wrong car.

Justin: If I were gonna ask a girl to Prom like that, I'd sit on the roof of my van and it would have a sail made out of a bed sheet and one of those poles, like a on a ship.

Killian: You mean a mast?

(I'm sure you can feel the sarcasm from there)

Justin: Yeah. A mast. And one of those wooden steering wheels.

Killian: Uh...a helm?

Justin: I don't know - is that what it's called?

Killian: Yeah.

Justin: How do you even know that stuff?

Killian: I'm not stupid. Besides...Pirates. It's important to know stuff about them.

Justin: Touche.

Mitchell: Seriously, dude. Even I know that.

Not-Kevin: You know, if we were pirates, we could sail to Girl Island.

Me: Girl Island?

Killian: It's a magical place.

Justin: A magical place full of hot girls who love nerds.

Not-Kevin: I want to sail there.

Me: I have news for you. Girl Island is called college.

Boys: Ohhhhhhhhhhh

After we dropped off Not-Kevin, the overly sweet scent of strawberries wafted through the car.

Justin: (sniffing frantically) What is that smell? I smell strawberries!

Killian: OhMyGod I want strawberries so bad. Can we get strawberries? Now?

Justin: Seriously! Where's it coming from?

Mitchell: (Sheepishly holding out a tube of lip balm) My lips are cracked.

Justin: (Looking from Mitchell to Killian and finally back to Mitchell with an expression of sheer incredulousness.) Dude...you're a chick!

Last week, they had final exams, and they all piled into the car bitching about how lame their exams were. Apparently long doesn't equal challenging. Except for Mitchell. He insisted that all of his were hard.

Not-Kevin: Wanna know what I hate?

Me: Absolutely.

Not-Kevin: Skanks.

Me: What's up with the skanks?

Not-Kevin: I hate the way that they think that because they're pretty that entitles them to cheat off my test. I don't exist for the entire year and because they smile at me and flash some cleavage I'm supposed to share my answers. I think not.

Killian: Lindsey? She drives me nuts. I can't stand the sound of her voice.

Justin: The one who whines all the time and talks through her nose?

Killian: Yeah. I wish she'd just shut up. And stop looking at my work.

Mitchell: She's orange.

Killian: Like a bleach blonde miniskirt wearing oompa loompa.

Justin: She gets excused absences to go tanning.

Not-Kevin: And some day her face will look like an old leather wallet.

Justin: I'm pretty sure that day is tomorrow.

You know what makes me happy about all this? They're completely aware of the fact that girls like Lindsey are looking to use them and they're not falling for it. Well done, guys. Well done.