Pro Tip Regarding Spiders

PRO TIP: Discovering a spider staring at you from the top of your shower head while you're rinsing the conditioner from your hair may cause drowning while you scream for help that will never arrive because your husband has left for work and your children sleep like the dead (and also like spiders just about as much as you do.)

It can also cause bruising when you throw open the shower curtain to discover that the little fucking bastard is there waiting for you right. by. your. hand. and you fall out of the tub and trip over the toilet to get away from it.

So...you know...heads up.

The Origins of Pumpkin Carving According to My Twisted, Twisted Child

Last night during pumpkin carving, this horrible, horrible conversation with my sons took place.

Killian: How did pumpkin carving even become a thing?

Me: Well-

Corwin: *talking over me* Long, long ago, it was the time of The Great Pumpkin Wars - where pumpkins of old battled our neanderthal ancestors. The neanderthals won, of course, having opposable thumbs and clubs and all. And winning gave them the right to murder and decorate future pumpkin children for generations to come.

Killian and I look at each other in horror. Okay, I admit, I was totally giggling.

Killian: *finding his voice first* What the fuck!? What the actual fuck is wrong with you, man? Seriously? How do you-? I don't even...

Me: Does this mean you're not going to finish carving your pumpkin?

Corwin *looks quietly gleeful*

Killian: I'll finish it, but I'm not sure I want to share a room with that kid any more. 

Yep. These are the ones I have. 

Made 'em myself. 

Oh, and these are the pumpkins we made!

 

Something Special for Sommer

Hey Everyone!

I'm guessing you found your way here because you're interested in helping out Sommer Marsden's family and you're wondering what perks we have available. Well, wonder no more! I've got the list you're looking for. And pictures, too for some of the items!

Please peruse the list and if you'd like one of these items, please make the suggested donation amount, then forward a copy of your receipt email to me at bronwyn@bronwyngreen.com and I'll record your info and take the item off the available list.

Now...on to the list!  There are a lot of things here, so just keep scrolling!  And you can jump back to the campaign by clicking here: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/something-special-for-sommer/x/5148586
 

4 Ebook copies of SHAMELESS BEHAVIOR: BRAZEN STORIES OF OVERCOMING SHAME edited by Lana Fox ($5)

1 PDF copy of Cora Zane’s werewolf erotic romance, CHASING MOONLIGHT ($5)

1 PDF copy of Cora Zane’s contemporary erotica collection WHAT SHE DOESN’T KNOW ($5)

1 Ebook copy of Lily Harlem’s erotic romance, SCORED ($5)

1 Ebook copy of Lily Harlem’s erotic romance, THE GLASS KNOT ($5)

1 Ebook copy of Lily Harlem’s erotic short story collection, WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN ($5)

5 Ebook copies of a KD GRACE Ebook, BIDDER’S CHOICE from KD’s backlist ($5)

2 Ebook copies of Grace Marshall’s erotic romance, AN EXECUTIVE DECISION ($5)

2 Ebook copies of Grace Marshall’s erotic romance, IDENTITY CRISIS ($5)

1 Ebook copy of Victoria Blisse’s BDSM story, FULFILL ME ($5)

1 Ebook copy of Victoria Blisse’s erotic romance, MAKING IT REAL ($5)

1 $5 AMAZON GIFT CARD and A.R. Von SWAG PACK ($5)

1 Ebook from Burning Book Press, TITLE - BIDDER’S CHOICE ($5)

1 Paperback copy of Justine Elyot's SEVEN SCARLET TALES ($5)

1 Ebook copy of Justine Elyot's SECRETS AND LORDS ($5) 

5 Ebook copies of Suzanne Graham's THE BILLIONAIRE'S PILOT ($5)

3 Sneak Peaks of the first chapter of Abigail Barnette/Jenny Trout’s THE BRIDE ($10)

1 e-book copies of Tabitha Rayne’s A CLOCKWORK BUTTERFLY and TAKING FLIGHT ($10)

5 Ebook sets of Kris Norris’ sci-fi erotic romances, ANDROMEDA FALLING and ORION RISING ($10)

1 paperback or kindle copy of LESBIAN LUST edited by Sacchi Green (Including “The Girl with the Bettie Page Bangs” by Sommer Marsden) ($10)

1 Ebook set of Kay Jaybee's Xcite erotic romance PDF bundle - A STICKY SITUATION and DIGGING DEEP ($10)

1 Ebook set of  Kay Jaybee's Sweetmeats bundle, MAKING HIM WAIT (novel), THE CIRCUS (novella ) and PUNISHED (short story) ($10)

1 Paperback copy of Alison Tyler’s DARK SECRET LOVE: A STORY OF SUBMISSION ($15)

1 Paperback copy of Alison Tyler’s DOWN AND DIRTY: 69 SUPER SEXY SHORT-SHORTS ($15)

1 Paperback copy of Alison Tyler’s SUDDEN SEX: 69 SULTRY SHORT STORIES ($15)

1 Paperback copy of Alison Tyler’s THE BIG BOOK OF BONDAGE: SEXY TALES OF EROTIC RESTRAINT ($15)

1 Paperback copy of Alison Tyler’s MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT: EROTICA FOR COUPLES ($15)

1 signed paperback copy of Saskia Walker’s paranormal erotic romance novel, RAMPANT ($15)

3 signed paperback copies of erotica anthology 12 SHADES OF SURRENDER Anthology ($15)

1 Ebook set of Saskia Walker’s erotic romances, DOUBLE DARE, SEX LIES AND BONDAGE TAPE, UNLEASHED and MONICA'S SECRET ($15)

 
2 Ebook sets of KD Grace’s LAKELAND HEATWAVE TRILOGY: BODY TEMPERATURE AND RISING, RIDING THE ETHER and ELEMENTAL FIRE ($15)


1 Ebook set of Victoria Blisse’s light BDSM stories, NAUGHTY RENDEZVOUS, SEDUCTIVE RENDEZVOUS and WILD RENDEZVOUS ($15)

1 Ebook set of Kay Jaybee's Xcite erotic anthologies PDF bundle, OUICK KINK ONE, QUICK KINK TWO and YES MA’AM ($15)

1 signed, paperback copy of WUNDER by AR Von ($15)

1 Ebook bundle of Raziel Moore's, THROUGH A SILVERED LENS, THROUGH A DARKENED LENS and EROTIKOS ($15)

1 Signed, paperback copy of Suzanne Graham's PROFORTUNA VOLUME 1: containing the three novellas, Anna and the Three Generals, Bella's Three Bodyguards, and Crystal's Three Chosen Mates ($15)

1 PAIR CELTIC KNOT EARRINGS WITH STONE ACCENTS made by Simone Anderson ($15)

1 HAND SEWN FLANNEL FROGGIE  36” x 48” BABY BLANKET made by Siobhan Muir ($20)

1 HAND SEWN FLANNEL SUN & MOON F36” x 48” BABY BLANKET made by Siobhan Muir ($20)

1 HAND SEWN FLANNEL MOOSE, DEER  & BEAR 36” x 48” BABY BLANKET made by Siobhan Muir ($20)

1 HAND SEWN FLANNEL SUMMER SKY 36” x 48” BABY BLANKET made by Siobhan Muir ($20)

1 HAND SEWN COTTON FIRST FROST 36” x 48” BABY BLANKET made by Siobhan Muir ($20)

1 HAND SEWN COTTON BLUE MOSAIC 36” x 48” BABY BLANKET made by Siobhan Muir ($20)

1 pair of Hand Knitted Mossy Green Hand Warmers  made by Barbara Huffert ($20)

1 pair of Hand Knitted Purple Fleck Hand Warmers  made by Barbara Huffert ($20)

1 pair of Hand Knitted Aqua Hand Warmers  made by Barbara Huffert ($20)

 1 pair of Hand Knitted Brown Variegated Fleck Hand Warmers  made by Barbara Huffert ($20)

10 BOOK THEMED STARBABIES (They make great bookshelf mascots!) made by Bronwyn Green ($20)

Choice of Burgundy/Red fabric or Blue/Gray fabric.

 5 4 Ebook sets of Bronwyn Green’s shifter ménages, JUST RIGHT, MAGGIE’S MATE, SUMMER SURRENDER and AUTUMN SACRIFICE ($20)

3 Print books (sweet romance) by Patricia Kiyono, THE PARTRIGE AND THE PEARTREE, SAMURAI’S GARDEN and CALICO HEART ($20)

1 $25 TORQUERE PRESS GIFT CERTIFICATE ($20)

3 2 Ebook set by Charlotte Stein, SHELTERED, CONTROL, RESTRAINT, RUN TO YOU, DEEP DESIRES ($25)

($25)

1 FOREFOLKS OF EROTICA T-SHIRT by Go Deeper Press (choose size S-XL) (price is originally 40) ($25)

 

1 GO DEEPER PRESS CHERRY T-SHIRT (choose size S-XL) (price originally 40) ($25)

1 TOTE BAG FULL OF EBOOKS, PRINT BOOK AND GOODIES from Tilly Green ($25)
The tote bag will have tons of goodies, plus two ebooks - THE KEEPER and PLEASURED IN NEW YORK CITY, and the paperback,  ZANDIA.

1 Signed, limited edition hardback copy of Sean Michael’s, THREE DAY PASSES (available to send after Thanksgiving) ($25)

1 PERSONALIZED ODE written by Charlotte Stein ($75)  CLAIMED

1 HAND SEWN FLANNEL MOON & STARS  36” x 48” BABY BLANKET made by Siobhan Muir

1 HAND SEWN FLANNEL BUNNY ALPHABET 36” x 48” BABY BLANKET made by Siobhan Muir

 1 pair of Hand Knitted Heather Grey Hand Warmers  made by Barbara Huffert

APPLIQUÉD CUSTOMIZED APRON made by Victoria Blisse (apron will be appliquéd with an image of the bidder’s choosing)  mentioned on the donation page.

Poncho made by Alison Tyler mentioned on donation page.

 Original Artwork mentioned on donation page.

Texts from Cait - Part Fourteen (The one where Cait points out my failings as a person and a parent.)

There are days...

I love my children more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone, but holy hell, some days all I can do is blink. And then get another cup of coffee. I also need to preface this exchange by saying that this kid is so incredibly smart, but some days, the lack of common sense drives me batty. I thought once they hit high school this stuff wouldn't be an issue.

Spoiler Alert: I was wrong.

Me: Corwin, did you ever throw your clothes from your overnight down the laundry chute?

Corwin: I did that already.

Me: Okay, go get your suit and towel because I don't have time to wash it before we go to Sarah's today. (Full disclosure - they were dry when he came home from the overnight and he'd only worn it once.)

Corwin: Are we going somewhere today?

Me: Yes. To Sarah's. I just told you that.

Corwin: Okay. *goes upstairs, presumably to look for his swimsuit*

Me: *stares after him and wonders when he'll remember that the laundry chute leads to the basement, not his bedroom*

Corwin: *comes back downstairs* I can't find it.

Me: I thought you told me that you threw it down the chute. Go check in the basement.

Corwin: *goes down the basement, immediately comes back upstairs* It's in the laundry bin.

Me: *fights urge to repeatedly smash cupboard door into my forehead* I know. I told you that I didn't have time to wash it. Bring it and your towel up.

Corwin: *goes back down, comes up with only the swimsuit* I can't find my towel.

Me: Go. Look. Again.
 
Corwin: *returns with towel, blithely wanders away to continue drawing*

This is the one I have. I wouldn't trade him ever, but there are days that just make me shake my head.

Sometimes your past self comes through...

I found this in the pantry, today.

It's like my past self knew that my present self was going to be having a shitty day and was all, "Here. This is for you."

Thanks, past self.

I needed those truffles.

Back from Vacation!

So I went on a writing retreat with Jenny Trout, Kris Norris, Kelsey St. James, Jess Jarman, Emily Love, Mia Watts and Anne (an awesome reader) and it was FABULOUS!  I got lots of work done, laughed until my face hurt and played Cards Against Humanity and laughed my ass off because I'm a terrible person, played in Lake Superior and even ate muffins made by monks. That's right people, Monk Muffins! And they were delicious.

I'm going to share a few pictures and then get back to my story. And also episodes of Hannibal (which is Jenny and Jess' fault) and cleaning my office, because holy hell, that has to happen! It looks like an episode of Hoarders in there. o.O

This was the view of Lake Superior from the deck of the house we rented.

 And this was our home away from home.

 A storm rolling in.

 Our trip mascot! Isn't he adorable? Kelsey knitted him on the way up!

 This is Hunter's Point in Copper Harbor on a particularly misty day.

 Hunter's Point

 This is me playing around in the lake.

 Rock formation at Hunter's Point.

 Great Sand Bay near Eagle Harbor.

 Rocks! No trip to Lake Superior is complete without rocks! At least, it's not if you're me.

Moonrise over Lake Superior in Gay, Michigan.

 Sunrise over Lake Superior in Gay, Michigan.

 Sunlight, rocks and water.

 The Tobacco River in Gay, Michigan

 

The Tobacco River Park in Gay Michigan

 

And this is what Jenny Trout made me and Kris Norris. Because she's awesome.

Best Apology Ever

I know, I know. I'm the worst blogger ever, lately.

I'm so busy I forgot to tell you guys about my new release. I'm also super lame, because it came out 20 days ago. Seriously, that's like almost three weeks ago. (Lame, lame, lame.) Vengeful Shadows is here, if you want to check it out.

But anyway, this is what I really want to share with you. And yep, I've got permission from both of them.

My little brother, Martin, has a new girlfriend. Let me just tell you, I freaking adore her. She's amazing and is a perfect fit for our crazy family. They couldn't be a better team.

Well, Martin screwed up the other day, and because he really wants to be her "knight in shining armor" and also publicly apologize, he did this:

And also this:

and posted them on Facebook.

Spoiler alert: She loves it. And him.

And I'm a happy, happy big sister.

I also can't stop giggling.

(Photos courtesy of my oldest kid who was helping Martin today.)

Things My Husband Says

*blowing the dust off the blog*

Yeah... It's been a while. And also crazy busy, but what else is new? It's been the usual chaos - the day job, writing, volunteering at my kid's school, getting ready for RT and now, this.

Matt's work gave all of the IT department money toward a Kindle or an iPad as reward for going above and beyond the call of duty - basically working 14-16 hour days for an entire month. So Matt got an iPad.

Earlier this week, I pointed out that he could get free kindle books if he wanted to try out some new authors, so he happily downloaded a pile of books and has been reading ever since.

Today, this conversation happened.


Matt: Question?

Me: How am I still so awesome after all these years? No clue.

Matt: No. How do I tell if the books I'm downloading are your kind of books.

Me: By 'my kind of books', do you mean the kind I write? If so, the mostly naked people on the cover should be a big tip off.

Matt: No - I mean books that you read.

Me: I read a lot of different kinds of books.

Matt: I don't know...I girly books. I think this might be one.

Me: Girly books? Seriously? First off, fuck you. Secondly, do you mean romance?

Matt: I guess.

Me: Go to the Amazon page for the book and look at the genre. What does it say?

Matt: It says romance. I'm screwed.

Me: Why? Because you like it?

Matt: No because I'm mostly done with it and now I have to finish it.

(He's never DNFed a book no matter how bad it was or how much he hated it)

Me: *eyeroll*

Matt: *sigh* I guess this explains all the feelings in here.

Yep - this is the one I have.

My Sister-in-Law is the Best One Ever

I've blogged about my awesome sister-in-law, Manda before, and it's time to do it again.

Why?

Because she's freaking awesome.

Today, Manda and I were talking about what we're bringing to Easter dinner. She's recently switched to a gluten free diet and has been doing quite a bit of experimental baking. She was trying to decide between Dutch apple pie and strawberry shortcake. Then she said,

"The neighbor kids can't tell the difference. I test them out with gluten and dairy free cupcakes and muffins. I'm so bad! Dessert testing on humans!

I'm cracking up and she adds,

"I use less sugar and almond milk all the time so it tastes normal now to my kids. It's funny, sometimes I feel like the evil Hansel and Gretel witch that give kids treats. I'm watching their faces to see what they're going to do. So far, so good. No one has spit anything out yet!"

Everyone wins here. Manda gets guinea pigs I mean, taste tasters, and the neighborhood kids get treats - and healthy ones at that.

What's not to love?

I've said it before, I'll  say it again, I have the best sister-in-law on the planet.